Okey dokey. It is venting time.
Since mom moved in, I have been on an emotional roller coaster, put on 60 pounds and found myself with a chronic case of the "poor me". I can't even stand to be around me any more.
It only took me 3 years to tell my mom to quit suffocating me. We have not ever had a close relationship and although I thought I had forgiven her, when she moved in, all I could see was her betrayal, her lack of care and protection for me. I think hate would mildy explain my feelings toward her. I still do not understand why God put her in my home. Something He and I discuss a lot or should I say, something I rant to Him about alot.
Mom thinks I want to spend all my time with her. I can't go outside without her following me. I cannot be in my room, without her coming to check on me every 10-15 minutes. I cannot have a private phone conversation. I cannot leave the house without her thinking I want her to come with me. She has even been known to walk in while I am taking a shower. In a not so nice way, I finally told her to get her own life or move out. I need to breathe. Having Waylon move in has only made it worse. She does not want me to spend time alone with him or with my grandson, even though she gets those opportunties. She is very jealous of my time. Waylon works nights so I rarely get to see him. He is just getting up when I head off to bed. I am at work when he is getting off and of course, he is in bed when I get home from work. Mom used to complain that grandmama never gave her time alone with my sister and me yet she is doing the same thing.
I must confess, that there are times I do not go to church just so I can have 2 hours in my house, alone. And if she has even the slightest inkling I am not going to church, she stays home too. CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING!!!!!!!
I have tried to be understanding of the fact she has never lived on her own and does not know how to be by herself. She still drives so I have encouraged her to get more involved with her church family, to be with people her age. Just because she gave up her life for her parents, doesn't mean I am going to give up mine for her. Besides, she was retired when my grandmother moved in with her. She was only stuck with grandmama a few years. Longevity runs in our family and if that stays true, I am stuck with this woman, in my home for 20 years. GOD HELP ME!!
I know there should be a blessing having her alive and in my home but right now, I can't see it.
The way my house is designed, all bedrooms open off the living room. There is no hallway, which means there is no sound buffer. If the TV is on in the living room, you can hear it in every room. The living room, kitchen and dining room are virtually one room. I quit having breakfast at home as turning on the light and cooking wakes my mom. I do not watch news, Joyce Meyer, etc, as it wakes my mom. And when she wakes, she thinks she should come in and spend time with me.
Over Christmas, I spent $5 and bought an old stationary bike (70's). It makes a lot of noise, even after tightening and oiling everything. I decided, what the heck. I get up in the morning, I turn on the lights, I ride the bike. My mom can sleep throughout the day if she wants, plus she does not care if I am trying to sleep while she watches TV or reads ( the light in the living room shines in my room). Ouch! I sound like such a not so nice person. I do not ride the bike at night as my son is sleeping and he needs his rest before he goes to work. For those who do not know, yes, I could close my door but the owner who had the a/c / heater combo installed, did not do it correctly, so if my door is closed, all other rooms in the house do not get the a/c or heat distributed as it should.
Normally, I ride 1-3 miles. This morning, since I was able to breathe, I rode 5 miles. Perhaps as I get to feeling better about myself, I will develop a new attitude. I hope so. I want to like being around myself again.
Thank you Father for not giving up on your rebellious child named Alisa.
Not to be a know-it-all, but this sounds a lot like the way God works with me. If there is an unresolved problem, dunk Chris right on in it. Perhaps He saw an Alisa of the future, whose mom never moved in with her, at mom's funeral praying, "I wish I'd had the chance to make things better- to learn how to try and forgive her." And this is the answer- to give you more opportunity than you would possibly ever want!
ReplyDeleteNot saying I'd appreciate the opportunity any more than you- but it COULD be where God wants you to get to. I'll be thinking of you.
All my friends say, she is your mother, you will miss her one day. My response, then have her go away so I can see if I will miss her.
ReplyDeleteCW, I do believe you are right. I know my mom grew up feeling very unloved and unwanted by her mother. After my grandmother lost a child, she separated herself from my mom and her older brother. When my aunt was born, she had epilepsy,so my grandmother had to invest in her. At the age of 4, my mom became the cook, housekeeper, etc.
My dad died a few days after I turned 4. Like her mom, she separated herself from my sister and I. When she re-married, she married an abusive alcoholic who molested my sister and I. She stood by and allowed it to happen, all because she said God would not honor her getting a divorce. Hence, the reason I look at her and see betrayal.
Probably way too much information.
When I became a Christian at the age of 35, God started a very long and difficult healing process in my life. He still has a lot of work to do. As long as my mom was not in my life everyday, I could handle it. Now, well let's just say, I am not that far from going to a looney bin.
Man. I don't know how to respond, except that a lot of damage requires a lot of rebuilding. I wish that people who allow themselves and their children to be harmed in the name of "god not honoring divorce" would keep this in mind- the man IS REQUIRED by God to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. Any marriage covenant that does not have this element is null and void, to my interpretation. God did not give the sacrament of marriage as an excuse to terrorism. For all that, you have things remarkably together. You must since God never gives us what we don't have the potential to handle, and you've got a doozy on your plate.
ReplyDeleteHere now is something I just considered. Your mother allowed the stress in your home ("stress" to put it politely) in the name of doing what she saw as right by God. And it harmed everyone involved. I imagine that you believe that Honor Your Mother applies, and it does, but it is putting you under that same stress. It's time to put this stress in His hands- this living arrangement MIGHT not be His choice, and He might have a better idea.
Roo needs a grandma outside the looney bin more than he needs a great grandma creating one.
I like how you see things but I do know God put my mom in my home. Believe me, I feel no obligation to take care of her. When I started looking to buy a home, it became very evident God was planning on moving her in. Truthfully, I did not think it would be quite so soon. I figured she would live in her home until she could no longer take care of herself, however, the economy fixed that for her.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing was that she was supposed to live with me 6 months and my sister 6 months. Guess who reniged on her part??
Thanks for your words. I need to hear them.
No problem. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete