Trying to start over

I used to be active although, from not eating properly, I had put on some weight.  When you are short like me, 5', the weight gain really shows.  Put on 5 lbs and it can look like 10.

So much changed when mom moved in.  The economy crunched, so my housesitting outlets pretty much dried up.  Having mom in the house, I became depressed, gain 40 pounds and felt my life was over.  I can only tolerate being nice to her for so long and then I just want her dead and out of my life.  When the economy crunched, we lost one of our clients at work, so I took a paycut.  Between loss of side work and regular income, I lost 1/3 of my income.  Getting out of my house and away from mom became almost impossible (I have a very tight budget).  Bills up, pay down.  I have not had a pay raise in 3 years.  Granted, I still make more than I would other places in town.  My walk with God over the past 3 years had changed and not for the good.  I have so much anger towards Him.  Why does He want mom in my house?  I CAN'T STAND HER!  She sucks me dry.  Why does He have me in a church with more issues than me??

For the past week, I have determined to spend less time around her.  I have stayed in my room, watching lots of Burn Notices, all 45 that were recorded.  I have worked on Davey's taxes and my own.  I have ridden my stationary bicycle.  I am up to 10 miles a day. 

I have decided to put me first, my needs, my wants and truthfully, mom can fend for herself.  Perhaps if a close the door to her, she will go elsewhere and make some friends and decide to spend time with them.  OR IF I AM REALLY LUCKY, SHE WILL MOVE OUT!

Of course, the added stress of having Waylon back in the house and his drug issues, losing sleep while taking care of Roo, who doesn't sleep well, the stress of potentially losing both my full time and part time job by the end of this year as both my bosses are looking to retire and I have gained another 30 pounds.  70 lbs overweight is deadly at my age.

When I decided to get out of the dead church God had me in for mom's sake, I did the church hop.  God put me right back in a church with lots of issues.  I would much rather go to a different church, but it is too far to drive to the best one in the Hill Country.  I can't afford to be wasteful with my gas and as I said, I know I am where God wants me. Believe me, only He knows why. 

So, I am looking to start over.  The exercise is helping and perhaps one day, I will quit the Dr. Peppers.  I drink way tooo many.  I joined a dating site, although presently, my only suitors have been scammers.  This area is not known for single christian men my age.  In fact, since I have been single, God has not put me in a church where there are any single men.  My friends, almost all married, only seem know married men and fixer-uppers and I am the fixer-upper in a relationship.  It is funny, but right after I date a guy, then he ends up marrying the next woman he dates.  That bodes well for my self esteem  :).  I have a single friend who does not want to be around me too much because she says she doesn't want to end of being single for 20 years like me.  I am a reminder of what she doesn't want.  Gee thanks!  My single friends (perhaps they should be called acquaintances), only come around when they do not have a man in their life.  Right now, I am the only one, still by myself. 

OK, so I have gotten back into exercising and now it is time to find some single friends, my age.  The church I attend, has 2 single women my age.  One of them is the one who says I am a reminder of what she doesn't want.  She is in a relationship that is not good.  The other woman my age is like me, she works more than one job and helps with her grandchildren.  Our opportunities to get together are rare.

As for my relationship with God.  He has opened His arms and welcomed me back.  I missed His hugs. 

Not sure where to meet new people, other than at church, but I have got to get away from mom.  I do get tired of doing things by myself and mom is no longer going to be a part of my doing things.  The more she is with me, the more dependent on me she becomes as her source of communication, her cheerleader etc.  Not gonna be that for her anymore.  It is killing me!

For too many years, I have allowed myself to be people's options, etc, just having me in their life at their convenience, but no more. 

I got a new attitude, well, at least working on getting one!

Well, I will see how long this starting over thing lasts!