While doing my 10 mile ride (ok, it was only 6 this morning), I was half listening to Joyce Meyer. She is doing an series on Love. As I can barely hear while riding, I ask God to prick my ears to what He wants me to hear.
Truthfully, I was not to keen when He pricked my ears to hear "You are selfish".
When I ask God to use me, what I am really saying is, "use me only if it is convenient to me" or "use me if it is only to serve those I want to serve" or "use me to bless only those I think deserve to be blessed". Well, you get the picture.
OK, God I am listening and then I hear, serve your mother. What??? eh??? You're breaking up, your're breaking up! What is He thinking?????????????????????? Serve the one who did not protect me? Serve the one who betrayed me? Serve the one who let me know I was not her favorite? Serve the one who continually blamed me for Rex's behaviour? Serve the one who constantly wondered why I was not smart like my sister, pretty like my sister??? C'mon God. That is like rubbing salt into my wounds.
While writing this, I remember the story of a young woman who hated her mother-in-law so much, she sought advice on how to poison her. Being a wise person, the man advised her to serve her MIL, to befriend her, so that when she chose the time to poison her, people would not look to her as the guilty party. Of course, you can guess the ending. She could not poison her MIL as the more she invested in the relationship, the more she truly came to love the woman.
I feel the rebellion bubbling up inside me. I do not want to want her in my life. I do not want to need her in my life. I do not want to love her. I can tell God all my "I do not wants" but then, if I am truly committed to serving the one who loves me unconditionally, the one who shined His light in my darkenss, the one who is faithful even when I am not, the one who....
When I committed my life to Christ, was it only a self serving committment or one where my life is truly not my own? While my heart is not rejoicing over serving mom, I am willing to be made willing to serve her. After all, it really is not all about me!
I WARNED you God has that odd sense of humor. He had to have put her there for a reason, and I figured it would have more to do with you than with her. Just don't expect Him to make this service pleasant. The payoff's at the end, after all. Happy groundhog day!
ReplyDeleteYes, you did warn me. It hasn't been pleasant so far and I do not expect it to get easier.
ReplyDeleteTotally forgot it was groundhog day. Hard to think about him seeing or not seeing his shadow when enjoying a pleasant 78 degree day.
February usually brings a day or two of ice. The town shuts down until the sun comes up to melt it.