A Lump of Clay!

I started this blog as Help Me Jesus!  I was in a very painful place in my life.  So much of my past chomping at my rear, dragging me down.  Issues with my mom and my son.  My one bright spot, my Roo.

While not everything I have thought or said has made its was to this blog, believe me, there has been much ugliness come out of my mouth.  I so thought that part of me was gone but every time I saw my mom, I saw betrayal, I hated her and I took every opportunity to let her know she was nothing more than crap beneath my feet.  I took pleasure in making sure she felt every pain I did while growing up in her home.  I prided myself on letting her know she was not worthy of my love.

Talk about a battle.  Almost daily my chest hurt at the war raging within.  At times, I felt like I was on a battlefield, with horses and men tromping all over my heart.  It was a very physical pain.  I have cussed and screamed at God, shook my puny little fist at Him and called Him a liar.  I was ready to walk away from God, from what I considered His lies.  He became just someone else promising me that one day I would be whole, that I would be a human being, capable of loving and trusting.  Yet, all I could see was an evil puppetmaster, yanking my strings, laughing maniacally while I did his bidding.

I knew I needed Jesus, yet satan's whispered lies became the voice of truth in my head. 

In spite of my blatant disrespect and anger, God continued to love on me, to show me His faithfulness.  I yo-yoed up and down in my faith, still hurting, still angry, striving to forgive, desiring to forget, I felt guilty that I wanted to wake up one morning and find my mom had died in her sleep so my pain would be gone. For 20 years I have asked God for a family, a godly husband and all He gave me was the one who betrayed me. And then, He allowed Waylon and Roo to be removed from my life.  How can God be so cruel?

And yet, I would see the beauty He created in the flowers and the fawns, the sunrises and sunsets.  I ate of the bounty He had supplied. I lived in the home and drove the car He had provided.

Amidst the pain and confusion, was the still small of voice of God asking me trust him, to believe that He would turn my ashes into beauty.  And so I timidly clung to hope while trying to silence the whispered lies of satan that were running amok in my head. 

I grew tired of my christian facade.  When you tell people you are trying to overcome the abuse of your childhood, they look at me and think, hey, you are in your fifties, get over it.

One day, while listening to the radio, I happened to hear a radio show with Kay Arthur as the guest speaker.  They were discussing her book, When the Hurt Runs Deep.  She explained that when people blame God, it is because they do not know his character and suggested people study the first five books of the Bible in order to understand His character.  It is funny, that although she has written books, she tells you that the only book you need is the Bible, that all the other books should be tools but not your authority.

When mom moved in, I became an adulterer.  I chose to lay in the bed of the world, with anger and hate as my cover.  Part of my sabbatical is to renew and strengthen my relationship with Christ, to grab hold of who God is, to once again become a bride of Christ and put my adulterous ways behind me. I want to surrender my all to Him once and for all, to put on the garment of praise. I want to come away from my sabbatical ready to be molded. 

I want to be a lump of clay.